As I have alluded to in previous posts, I have a very particular view of what "being productive" means to me.
The easiest way to explain this framework is in the form of a FAQ, so without further ado:
What does "being productive" mean to me?
Actively building towards something.
What are some things I would like to actively build towards?
My transition.
Being a leader both in my professional life and the communities I cherish.
Creative outlets such as this website.
Being a well-traveled individual, whether it be in the gaming sphere or touching grass.
How do I know I am doing things that contribute to my goal of building things?
In the realm of real world obligations, things are getting done when things are going fine.
Within the FGC, I view being making it out to big offline events as the goal in and of itself. Grassroots-centric majors and regionals are in my experiences the only big offline "conventions" that have made me, the individual attendee, feel like I am a part of something. As a competitor, you are both measuring your own progress by how far you make it in bracket as well as providing a foundation for some of the greatest things you will ever see (the finals block).[1]
With regards to my transition, progress is obviously marked by me exhibiting gender euphoria. The tell-tale sign of this is seeing me in front of a mirror, with eyes and mouth wide open, lighting and lightening up.
As of the time that I am writing this, I have not started HRT. What have I done to induce euphoria?
Shaving parts of my body that I had previously never thought to have shaved before.[2]
Using the women's restroom when out in new public places.[3]
Use of cosmetics, including tinted lip balm, nail polish, and eyeliner, and eyebrow shaders.
Trying on women's clothing.
Systematically cross out or cover up every reference to my deadname or he/him pronouns I can find that isn't literally illegal to do so.[4]
The last bullet point didn't come up into my mind until I was starting to pack for my first overnight trip as a woman. I realized that my previous name and pronouns were plastered everywhere, starting with the tags on my bags that contain me and my immediate family's contact information. It was like its own ever-expanding to do list; if I found a new one, I crossed it out, and considered that individual task complete. This line of thinking can be made easily applicable to all matters no matter how material they are or not.
The ultimate stretch goals of this damnatio memoriae ritual are, of course:
To get my legal name and gender marker changed.
Upon accomplishing that, getting a replacement degree that includes my new legal name.
I view transitioning as a lifelong continuous improvement project. Each individual thing that I've done to myself and interaction with other people that has given me euphoria is another milestone that I have successfully met and crossed off the list.
Having a clear vision of how far I want to take my transition has given me a newfound purpose that I will wholeheartedly embrace no matter what happens around me.